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"How to sound like a LID"

Step One: Use as many "Q" signals as possible.  Yes, I know they were invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM, but they are fun and entertaining.  They keep people guessing as to what you really meant.  I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone".  Can you really change frequencies to the phone?  QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging receipt", but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK".  I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and "QSL" together.  Redundancy is the better part of Lid-ism.

Step Two: Never laugh when you can say "HI HI".  No one will ever know you aren't a long-time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them.  They'll think you've been on since the days of Marconi.

Step Three: Utilize an alternative vocabulary.  Use words like "destinated" and "negatory".  It's OK to make up your own words here.  I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally myself."

Step Four: Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D."  As mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always encouraged.  That's why we have the Department of Redundancy Department.  (Please note that you can follow your call with "for identification purposes" instead of "for I.D."  While taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".

Step Five: The better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common ones.  I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo."  If at all possible use the less-common HF phonetics "A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico".  And for maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Billibong Oregano Bumperpool".

Step Six: Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has been) in the group, whether they are still there or not.  While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may also use "and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory.  Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way "K2PKK, Chow, Chow".

Step Seven: Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology.  It keeps people guessing.  Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa.

Step Eight: If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking as long as possible before turning it over.  Whenever possible, pass it around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if it is an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and not bother you.

Step Nine: Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign out. Never let him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer.  Make it a question that will take him a long time to answer.

Step Ten: The less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate about it in the roundtable.  Also the amount of time you spend on the subject should be inversely proportional to your knowledge of the subject even though you have no damn clue.

Step Eleven: Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and a rubber duck antenna.  Also, make sure you work through a repeater that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you.  This will put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine here.  I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the passenger seat.

Step Twelve: If you hear two amateurs start a conversation, wait until they are twenty seconds into their contact, and then break in to make a call, or better yet to use the auto-patch.  Make sure you keep the repeater tied up for at least three minutes. This way, once the two have re-established contact, they won't even remember what they were talking about.

Step Thirteen: You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting amateur.  Even if the directions are good, make sure you break in with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version.  This is most effective with several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a different route.  By the time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the street names whizzing by in his mind, he should have moved out of the range of the repeater.  This keeps you from having to stick around to help the guy get back out of town, later.

Step Fourteen: If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your other "LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency list.  Even though "CODES" are strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice "James Bond" tactics.

Step Fifteen: Always use the National Calling Frequency for general conversations. The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it.  Extra points are awarded if you have recently moved from an adjacent frequency for no reason.  Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525, that you hang out there and talk to your friends five miles down the road about the good old CB days!

Step Sixteen: Make sure that, if you have a personal problem with someone, you voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net.  Make sure you give their name, call, and any other identifying remarks.  For maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on the repeater, or not available.

Step Seventeen: Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission twice, especially if it is the same thing each time.  Like "roger, roger" or "fine business, fine business".  I cannot stress enough about encouraging redundancy.

Step Eighteen: If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask how each station is receiving you.  Of course they will only see the signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when you can find a fellow "LID" and get the report.  Extra points are awarded if you are using a base station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five air miles from you.

Step Nineteen: Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others from using it.  Better yet, do it on a daily basis.  Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their radio, they'll move to another frequency.  This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.

Step Twenty: See just how much flutter you can generate by operating at handheld power levels too far away from the repeater.  Engage people in conversations when you know they won't be able to copy half of what you're saying.  Even when they say you're uncopyable, continue to string them along by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you can make the other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.

Step Twenty One: Use lots of radio jargon.  After all, it makes you feel important using words ordinary people don't say.  Who cares if it makes you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the Citizen's Band!  Use phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "You're making the trip" and "Negatory on that".

Step Twenty Two: Use excessive microphone gain.  See just how loud you can make your audio.  Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your floor.  If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your words out from all the racket.

Step Twenty Three: Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you missed something.  But consider it your gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being received.

Step Twenty Four: When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say you're "listening" or "monitoring" multiple times.  I've always found that at least a half-dozen times or so is good.  Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every 10 to 15 seconds is even better.  Those people who didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away after you have finally made a contact.

Step Twenty Five: Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on simplex.  The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to your distance from the other station.

Step Twenty Six: When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should always say "over".  Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have unkeyed, but don't let that stop you.  Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead".  It serves no useful purpose but don't worry, it's still fun!

Step Twenty Seven: Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls... especially during morning or evening commute times.  While pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about the bad day you had at work.  After all, the club has "measured rate" service on their phone line so they get charged for each autopatch call.  Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills.  That way you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!

Step Twenty Eight: Never say "My name is .....".  It makes you sound human.  If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal here is ..."  b) "The handle here is..."

Step Twenty Nine: Use "73" and "88" incorrectly.  Both are already considered plural, but add an "s" to the end anyway.  Say "73's" or "88's".  Who cares if it means "best regardses" and "love and kisseses".  Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy thirds equals about 23.3).

Step Thirty: If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on.  Act as though your entire day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't available when you wanted to use it.  Even though you have never paid a penny to help out with the upkeep of it.

These easy steps should put you well on your way to "LID-Hood".  I hope these helpful hints will save you some time in your quest to sound like the perfect "LID" or an "id10t".  I should also note that these steps need not apply to simplex operation, as nobody really gives a crap because that HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a rubber duck.  In doing a search, it has come to my attention that there are several versions of the "How to sound like a lid" floating around.  I have no idea who the original writer of this is but I found this on www.rac.ca.  I Did not make this up and I am not taking credit for it!  Its just a big joke!

NOTE:  I stole this from VE5MA.  It's not my fault either.

de VE3EED.

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